It’s been a while since I posted on here. Life has been full on, yet again and I have pulled everything right back in order to protect my mental health. The first things to go were social media apps, which is scary when you primarily use them for sharing blog and business-related posts! To be honest it has made me super aware of how many hours I have previously lost to mindless scrolling, and well I don’t know if I want to go back.
It is always in the back of my mind to take photos, think about content, keep the algorithm happy, share every single day even if you have nothing to say. I wasn’t aware how much it had been eating at my mental health. A constant state of hyper alert “is this insta-worthy” instead of just living and enjoying life.
So far this year we have started a new decade, I turned 40, had a massive mental health crisis around my birthday, dealt with abusive messages from people who should know better and lost a dream. I have felt a grief like I haven’t felt since my Dad passed away 6 years ago, felt alone, like an afterthought, full of guilt for feeling the way I did, and all the other feels. Hopeless, faithless, weak, broken, those kinds of feelings.
The saving grace of not having to view everyone else’s life and feel like I am failing in the comparison game has been noted. I am thankful to have had the where withal to hit delete and be done for a while. To be honest I am still not ready to go back on those little apps just yet either. I am liking not being available 24/7. I am liking not seeing anyone else’s twee little life and feeling the FOMOs.
I have spent time with Phil, feeling closer than ever before. He is my everything and I may have slipped a little in favour of social media and responding to every bloody message notification that popped up on my phone. Something I should know better about as his love language is quality time and I really have been remiss in providing that for him. He knows and often speaks my love language with his acts of service or words of affirmation. I love that he is so intuitive with it, yet also hope he forgives me for been so lacks in responding to it all.
The kids have been a little more settled too. Mommy hasn’t got her hand up saying “one second while I just …“ or “oh do that again so I can photograph it!”. They’ve been snuggling up so close I am pretty sure they would climb in my skin if they could. I think they have appreciated not having their lives documented on the ‘grid’ for a while. They have definitely laughed more, especially the youngest. Oh, all the Mom guilts as I think how much I may have missed on for the sake of an app filled with little squares.
Anyway, I have had time to breathe, to think, to read (totally not me as I hate reading but having the time has been a novelty!) and time to spend how I want to spend it without care or worry. I even went away for our Connect groups annual weekend retreat. I thoroughly enjoyed serving 14 women with my friend for 3 days. We cooked, shared a word from God (which came at the 11th hour, which was a bit hairy), sat in a hot tub to watch the stars and drank prosecco. We laughed, cried, prayed, sang, shared, loved on each other and breathed in Gods goodness and grace. It was incredible. I still can’t believe we are in our 4th year of this and next years is already open for bookings.
So even though the beginning of the month was absolutely bloody horrendous, it has turned. I have started to see the blue skies between the grey clouds, and even some warmth from the sunshine too. It has been hard. A lesson which has left some wounds that need time to heal. But an assurance that they will heal, and by the end of the year they will be reminders of just how far we have come since this not so wonderful period.
It is time for me to let go and let God, which feels easier said than done for someone who has her shopping list in aisle order on spreadsheet. But in order to grow, that is what I am going to endeavour to do.