I never expected to be able to do this again. I thought I had already done my last first days of school when Ells was little. Days I loathed because I always felt like someone else was benefiting from the best of her, and I was left with an over tired, over stimulated beast when she got home. It wasn’t fun for me, and I wanted them over with. Silly and probably utterly selfish, but when you’re a single mother having to play all the roles, I needed her to be as independent as possible for my own sanity and both our wellbeing. It wasn’t until she was I met her now Daddy that I realised just how much I had rushed through and missed this important time in both our lives. By this time Ells was half way through primary school and gearing up for middle school.
At that time I had no idea that I would be grappling my bonus baby for a kiss before he scurried excitedly into his classroom. And yet here I am, on the primary school playground doing just that. And I have so many mixed emotions about the whole thing. I feel excited for him as he is challenged to grow and learn, but mournful over the fact I will never get to do this again. It is the last time I will lead a child on to the playground for the first time. Don’t get me wrong I am not one for public displays of emotion, I am on lock down a good majority of the time. I did my little weep a few days before he actually started, and that was enough. I didn’t want to be emotional on the big day because he would have fed off that like a leech, and it would have upset him massively. I wanted him to feed off my joy and feel excited about this transition to ‘big boyhood’. Thankfully that has happened, and he is doing pretty good, even with Asperger’s and all that brings to the table he is doing ok. Which is less than I can say for his teacher who I can only describe as utterly shell shocked right now. I’m seriously hoping she finds her feet and soon because he is ready to stay all day, even if she is not!
Being a shy person, I’m not at all good with the whole playground mummy thing either. I am an introvert, so some days it’s too much to even try and enter into conversation with the other mums while we wait for the classroom doors to open. That and the fact a big chunk of them ‘grew their babies together’ makes it a bit cliquey and I can’t be bothered with all that. Besides which my child is usually the feral one whizzing around the joint like an escaped lunatic while I try to get him to ‘just come here and stand still!’ through gritted teeth, a maniacal smile and a slight eye twitch! I don’t quite fit in at the moment, and if I am honest I really quite like it that way.
Regardless he has been in for a solid five days now, well not whole days but three hours a day anyway. Initially I felt frustrated that they wouldn’t let him stay longer, primarily because the quivering teacher can’t cope with him, but have since decided to seize the opportunity of having more time with my wildest child. I love having him whizzing his backside off while trying to plant kisses all over my face just so he can have one more slice of cake. I love him asking me out for coffee too, of course I fully understand his intentions are only to obtain a soy chocolate babyccino from Costa along with a piece of cake. He knows I will give in eventually to him, utter pushover that I am. He will be in school long enough, and I know I will miss his busy bee body zipping around me, making my hair turn grey and deepening laughter wrinkles around my eyes.
So my three hours every morning will be filled with hum-drum stuff like housework, fiddley jobs I never got around to when I was working, and other house wifey things. Then it will be our special time together. I will be doing my best to make the most of him, to breathe him and love him up as much as I can. Expect all the treats and maybe even a trip on Monty the train at Evesham Country Park in the coming days, for as long as he is home with me.
Being a Mummy is not for the faint hearted, it’s tough a lot of the time. There are days it can bring you to your knees! But it is the resolve of a mother to get up and make lemonade from lemons. Only in my case it will likely be chocolate cake and banana muffins, and train rides in the rain.
If you have little ones who have also started school, enjoy it! Spoil them for the good days and encourage them on the not so good days. A lot is expected of our little ones nowadays; they need a Mummy who has a keen eye for silver linings and open arms for plenty of snuggles. It really won’t be that long before he’s too cool for cuddles from his Mummy, so I’ll be making the most of being at the centre of his world for now.