This year, this month in fact I turn 36. Happy Birthday to me! I am over the 35 year hill and on my way up to 40 – as my husband constantly reminds me.
As I sit at times contemplating life in general I often think back to my youth and think of the dreams I had for my future. I had plans to graduate as an army officer, until a careers advisor told me I’d be better suited to secretarial work. Then I had plans to top the legal profession and become a barrister, which were dashed by poor choices and a desire to self destruct.
My life hasn’t followed the path my younger self imagined. Am I sad about that? No, of course not. If I were then I would regret the decisions made to have children and to marry. I would regret all the decisions who make me who I am today, and although at times things are difficult, I wouldn’t want it any other way or to spend it with any other people.
Looking at the past, the last 35 years, I am struck by the things I shyed away from doing because of a lack of self worth and confidence. Opportunities to improve myself, selfishly, passed over because I just didn’t believe I was good enough. It grieves me to see them in my minds eye, and yet that anxious nervousness still saturates the memories.
As 2015 came to end I had already set in motion plans to remedy this lack of self worth. I booked a singing lesson for the first week of January. I felt ridiculous anxiety over booking it, and even on the morning of going I felt sick to my stomach with nerves.
I had decided that 2016 was going to be the year I gave myself empowerment to say ‘I can because I am worth the effort’. My hubby is always telling me how great I am, and how capable, this year I need to choose to believe that. I am worth it.
We set goals for 2016 as a family and I love that we have done that together. I also made a seperate smaller list of personal goals, just for me, to help me achieve the dreams within my heart, to enhance my life with my family and to end this self doubt that has burdened my younger selves for too long.
I don’t have high hopes or expectations for this next year of my life, I feel that implies we have no control over it. But for the first part of my 36th year at least I am able to step out, take a deep breath and sing aloud. Next month, who knows, maybe I’ll sing for my husband for the first time and share with him the reward for his encouragements and faith in me.
For now though, I’m singing to a teacher and that’s a lot more than I’ve been able to do before.
Baby steps.
Sophie xx
